We have all heard someone (or even ourselves) say that they’re “broken.”
Another version is wanting to feel “whole.”
The truth is that we all have different sides to ourselves. Sometimes they agree on how to show up in the world, and sometimes they’re at odds.
As an Egyptian American little girl, I had tight curly hair. Big hair. Very big hair. I honestly believed that I wanted straight, shiny hair like the popular white girls. I thought that I wanted to be invited to big parties (even though I felt so awkward there). I thought I wanted to be asked on dates (even though I had no interest in boring tales and being exoticized).
To feel any semblance of connection, I straightened my hair. And spoke mostly English to my parents. And shamed myself for being brown. And dismissed any opportunities to learn about Egyptian history (like…damn, y’all. Egyptian history is pretty dope).
What I actually wanted was to feel embraced. Like all of us, I wanted all the parts of me to feel like they belonged.
And I abandoned parts of myself in order to have other parts accepted - authentic parts. I was actually fun. I was actually witty. I did actually enjoy my friends. I had real crushes. It was real.
BUT - I wasn’t showing anyone all of me. The part that liked my mom’s home cooking. The part that wanted to improve my Arabic. The part that was curious about my heritage. I broke away from those parts of myself for fear that I’d be rejected. And in the process of cutting parts of myself off like little puzzle pieces, no one saw the full picture. Just pieces.
When we deny our parts, we create isolation both within ourselves and with people who could love us more deeply, if only we showed them more of who we are.
Integrating our parts is the path to feeling less fragmented, less broken.
So now I serve homemade falafel every Sunday to friends who drop by. I wear my hair however I want that day. I speak Arabic freely with my family when I feel like it. I keep Egyptian art in every room, and learn about the history behind each piece. And my loved ones love me even more than ever - because I show them more.
Who are your hidden parts who are ready to be seen?
On the Pod
Belonging + Black Masculinity w/Marvin Toliver
This week’s podcast features Licensed Clinical Social Worker Marvin Toliver, a queer, Bi-sexual, Black creator and co-founder of the mental health collective Melanated Social Work. Marvin and I had a beautiful conversation about identity integration, and how fragmentation negatively impacts our mental health and leads to increased isolation and pain.
In this clip, Marvin shares the powerful story of receiving his HIV diagnosis. Listen to the full episode on your favorite podcast platform.